Feel Good Friday - Aphantasia

It might seem weird to be happy about finding out you having something wrong with you, but it is so freeing to put a name to a condition that has bothered you for decades. Last year I signed up with one of the DNA testing companies to do some research on bipolar disorder. My reward was getting the DNA test for free (It was total confirmation of how incredibly white I am - no surprises) in exchange for participating in some surveys. I take new surveys every few weeks and they look at what genetic traits match up with different things.

The survey I took today asked if I had "aphantasia." I had never heard that term so I quickly Googled it. My jaw dropped as I read the description and realized that I do have aphantasia.

 

Aphantasia is the inability to mentally visualize things. It seems to run on a spectrum. Some people can't mentally recall any kind of senses (vision, sound, touch, taste, smell), while others lack the mental visualization but can imagine other senses at some level. I can imagine some people's voices and some music and other sounds, but the rest is blank for me.

Why does this make me happy? I am married to a person who is very descriptive when he gives directions, tells stories, etc. I have the worst time trying to follow what he is saying because I can't come up with the mental imagery that he does. "You know that road over there? If you go past the church and two houses down, it's by that tree in the front yard." WHAT? I'm totally focused on the words he is saying and quickly getting lost. I kept thinking that I wasn't trying hard enough or I was somehow doing something wrong.

To put a name to this feels like someone gave me a big hug and said, "You're not crazy. It's just something your brain can't do. Relax." And I'm not alone in this. I keep looking up aphantasia and following Twitter conversations to learn more.

Research is in its early stages so nobody knows what causes it. I'm certain it's nothing that can be "cured." But at least now I know to ask people to draw things out, show me pictures, etc. so I can keep up. And I've also learned a cool new word!

Feel Good Friday - Beyond the Panic

Panic and anxiety has been a regular part of my life for as long as I can remember. I'm sure it is part of my bipolar disorder, but sometimes it seems to take on a life of its own. If you've never had a panic attack, think of how you feel when you have a near disaster. You slip and almost tumble down the mountain while hiking. You escape getting into a car accident by inches. Your baby wriggles out of your arms and falls on the floor. It is that feeling of near heart attack, but it continues on and on without relief.

Over the years I have had many opportunities for panic attacks. They usually happen when there is an unexpected change. I have a mental picture of what I think will happen, but the plan changes. For example, I used to work for a treatment center for youth and they had an amazing performing arts program. I was in charge of ticket sales and the first year where we tried assigned seating on the tickets I found that I had somehow ended up with multiple tickets for the same seat. This came to my attention when a VIP found there was already someone in their seat. After quickly finding a way to accommodate them all, I retreated to an empty room once the show started and I curled up in a ball and cried like crazy.

The first step toward getting beyond panic attacks came when I asked a coworker (a therapist) for advice. She asked me what the worst thing was about the situation I was worried about and then what the worst possible outcome would be. Then she asked me if I could deal with that. My answer was "yes" and I realized that my panic had come from the unknown. Once I identified and knew I could deal with the end result, I was able to calm down.

My current job has helped me see how far I've come. On particularly stressful days I often joke with coworkers that my mantra is to EXPECT CHAOS. I work for our local government and I'm responsible for broadcasting their meetings. I was in the middle of broadcasting a meeting this week and the whole thing shut down. I hadn't realized that the videos that were shown during part of the meeting would trigger a violation on YouTube and they would not only end our broadcast, but prevent us from starting a new one. Time to panic, right?

But I didn't panic. Sure, I wasn't happy. I scrambled to find solutions to our predicament, but I didn't have a meltdown. The world didn't end. Nobody was mad at me. As I reflected on it later, I was pretty pleased with myself. I had developed an attitude of expecting possible problems. When problems happened, I started looking for solutions. It wasn't fun, but I got through it. I definitely feel good about that!

Feel Good Friday - The Beginning

My daughter had been doing a regular blog post that she called "Frustration Friday." The idea was to get those gripes out of her system and move on. The reality is that focusing on the negative has consequences. She reached out to friends and family for alternative ideas for a regular blog post and I suggested "Feel Good Friday." After explaining it to her I decided that I should take my own advice.

I've decided to take the time each Friday to reflect on something positive. It could be something that made me feel good or something that makes people feel good in general. It doesn't have to be anything big or involve a long story. This is all about feeling good.

For my first Feel Good Friday, I'm reflecting on a code my best friend has with me. She no longer lives close to me, but she visits fairly often. If she reaches out to me and mentions PIE, I know its time for us to get together for a late night chat. We head to a specific restaurant that has late hours and hang out for a few hours chatting and eating. It started as going out to get some pie, talk, and decompress. Even though we didn't always have a slice of pie, the code word remained. That one simple word brings a smile to my face. It means I get to hang out with my bestie. We laugh. We gripe. We boost each other in a way that sends us home feeling great and ready to tackle the world again.

If you were to establish a code word to get away with your bestie, what would it be?