Translation, Please

The last time I had a job interview I mentioned that one of my talents was "translating." I wasn't referring to translating from one language to another. Well, not exactly. What I seem to be able to translate has to do with different cultures. That could be different ethnic cultures or different societal cultures.

When my children were younger I was often asked to narrate the performances our group would do. I understood my husband's Native American culture and was able to explain it in terms that non-Native audiences could understand. One of the more frequently asked questions was, "Do the colors you're wearing mean anything?" I knew that it was common for Scout groups, youth camps, and others to associate certain colors with qualities (courage, service, purity) or things (trees, water, fire). Knowing this I would then explain that the color choices in the dancer's regalia were personal to them and often determined by family, personal preference, or even a visionary dream.

I think the toughest lesson in "translation" that I learned was when my mom died. People expressed their support and sympathy by saying, "she's in a better place now," "God must have needed her with him," "there's a reason for everything," or "God never gives us more than we can handle." I wanted to scream and cry and tell them, "I DON"T CARE! I just want my mom back with me!!" As tough as it was for me to process, I knew that these people were not trying to hurt me. They cared and they wanted to show their support for me, but they didn't really know how to do it. Eventually I was able to mentally hear "I'm so sorry you're going through this" whenever someone made an attempt to reach out to me.

Parents often struggle to translate what their children are saying. "I hate you!" can be code for "I hate these rules you're making me follow." Even in the workplace there may be times where a coworker lashes out. For several years I battled one particular person at work. We seemed to step on each other's toes on a regular basis and had very different views and opinions on things. What I eventually figured out was that there were times she felt her value/importance at work was in jeopardy. I also noticed that we shared a lot of qualities - like attention to detail - that led to some of our clashes. By the time we stopped working together we had found a way to actually be friends.

Most recently, I watched as a friend struggled with health problems that led to a tough decision. When she opened up about it and posted on social media, messages of support and sympathy started coming in. And so did questions on whether she had tried this treatment or that as well as plenty of advice. I was a little surprised that her reaction to this was as negative as it was and that family members even jumped in to attack those who had offered the unsolicited advice. That's when I realized that translation was needed here. Friends were at a loss for how to help someone they cared so much about and all they could think to do was to try to find ways to fix the situation. They didn't think they were smarter than the doctors or think that she hadn't tried every possible remedy. This was their way of saying, "I'm so sorry this is happening to you."

Would it be easier if we could read each other's minds? Probably not. Part of the problem is that sometimes we don't really know what we want to say and the first thing we do say ends up coming out all wrong. I may do well with translating between Native Americans and non-Natives or between Millennials and GenX, but the struggle continues with the more emotional messages. Next time you find yourself in a tough argument, see if you can figure out what the other person is really trying to say.